Why I Hate My Tiny Weiner

Are you there God? It’s me Margaret.

No not really God, it’s me again and yes this is the same one-sided conversation that we’ve had for the past 20 years. But this time I’m serious. We really need to talk.

You see, I just read this article about this guy and his giant “dong” and how it causes him “problems”. Not the “Is that it? No seriously .. is there more?” type of problem that was my first (and last sexual experience) I have but the “Hey, I can spare a few feet” type of problem that really seems unfuckingfair at this point.

Sure. You blessed me with an oversized intellect and abs that would make Baby Jesus cry but you coupled those gifts with a joke of a penis that would make the Virgin Mary point and laugh and cry and laugh some more.

I mean, I don’t even know if it’s fair to call what I have a penis (let alone a “dong”). It looks like a lightswitch in rural India. God – if you’re still paying attention, THERE ARE NO FUCKING LIGHTSWITCHES IN RURAL INDIA. You should know. You built the place. Or forsook it. At this point, who really fucking knows what goes through your head.

God, all I’m saying is you’ve really got your priorities all fucked up. King Dong above may be the greatest guy in the world but can HE ADD like I can? Probably fucking not. Which means that his giant dingaling genes may be passed on but what else? Me? I could sire a thousand accountants and actuaries and engineers and PEOPLE OF VALUE if and only if I find someone willing to stop LAUGHING AT ME long enough for us to share 15 seconds of carnel bliss.

Oh yeah, and that’s another thing! Not ONLY did you give me a shrinky dink for a penis but you decided that wasn’t cruel enough. Oh no! You also decided that I should have the sexual stamina of … fuck I don’t know … I’m so distraught that I can’t even think up a good analogy at this point.

Come May 21st, or whatever, you’ve got some explaining to do. Oh, and if you decide my fervent yet shaken faith doesn’t warrant an immediate Get Out of Jail Free card later this month, I’m totally switching sides.


Via Jezebel, comment by Ska Himself (who I may marry)

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